When I said, “My foot is slipping, your unfailing love, Lord, supported me. (Psalm 94:18)
Bedtime runs on a tight schedule at our home.
Around 7 p.m, we begin to wind down for the night. Exactly fifteen minutes later, I morph into a military officer – snapping commands. By 7:30, everything is as it should be – lights dimmed, kisses duly distributed, prayers said, and children delivered to their respective rooms. By 7:35, Anna (our six-year-old) launches an independent negotiation session that would put a seasoned veteran to shame.
“Appa, can you please lie down with me?”
“I’m coming in a while. I have some work to do. Go and lie down.”
“But Appa.. I need you. I can’t sleep otherwise.”
“I said I’m coming in a while. Go and lie down.”
“In how much time will you come? I think I’m scared of the dark.”
This goes on for a while. Every day, the excuse is different. And every single day, my husband has to go in and lie down with her as I put the youngest to sleep. And although we’ve been training her to sleep on her own for over six months now, we see no end in sight. To be honest, we don’t mind too much since the children are growing up way too quickly for our liking, but Anna’s persistence got the gears in my mind turning.
Her making up excuses to leave her bed was so consistent that we tucked the kids into bed and just waited outside for her to come out of her room. It happened like clockwork. Initially, I lost my patience with her very quickly. I was tough with her and laid out the ground rules over and over. Soon after, though, I realised her inability to fall asleep on her own. Perhaps she is still too young. Perhaps I am asking too much of her. Whatever the reason might be, she simply cannot fall asleep without a parent by her side. Since she knows that I am indisposed with our youngest, she’s latched on to her dad. (I say that to make myself feel better – she is her father’s daughter in every conceivable way).
Every time one of our children exhibits this kind of helpless dependency on us, I am reminded each time of the helplessness I am plagued with in many areas of my life – areas that I once thought I could overcome and set right all on my own.
Brother Zac Poonen once used an illustration during his sermon that has since stuck with me. He said our spiritual dependence upon God must be like that of a beggar’s dependence on those who feed him daily. The beggar isn’t going to refuse if you offer to help him a little on a daily basis. He will never be too proud to accept help from you or too ashamed to ask on a regular basis. Even if you chase him away, you can count on seeing him very soon. He is too poor to harbour pride. His very sustenance depends upon your mercy. In the same way, we ought to go to God every day for His grace and mercy upon us. We need to be aware of the poor spiritual condition of our hearts. We are susceptible to falling into different patterns of sin. We cannot overcome sin on our own. A quote from Hudson Taylor comes to mind – “When we work, we work. When we pray, God works.”
And yet, so often, we try to handle our sinful patterns in ways we think are most effective – ways that don’t include God. We try to accomplish it on our own – almost as though we are trying to impress God with our efforts. Dear friend, you must know by now that it is like slapping a Band-Aid on a fatal wound and feeling proud. Our problems lie deeper. They are rooted and entwined in our very nature, and no amount of determination or strategy is going to rid us of them. Woe to us if we think we are strong enough to be our own saviour. We can do nothing wiser than to fall at the mercy of an omnipotent God. Leonard Ravenhill puts it beautifully – “Lord strengthen me when I am too weak and weaken me when I am too strong”.
Anna knows something that we are often guilty of forgetting: we cannot do it alone.
Anna isn’t ashamed of that fact.
She will ask. She will insist. She will persist and persevere.
She has no confidence in her ability to fall asleep on her own. However, she is fully confident that her father will come to fall asleep near her – although it might take a couple of requests on her part. It causes me to wonder – is that perhaps the kind of faith that the Lord expects from me? Faith that knows for certain that He will show up and stay with me until it passes? Faith that even though He tarries, He will not refuse?
Dear friend, if you think the road is long and winding and you are finding your repeated efforts soul wrenching, if the path feels winding and you find yourself on square one every other day, perhaps it is time to invite the Lord into the picture? We do not rest because we do not have faith in His ability to carry to the impossible in and through us. We know no peace because we do not trust Him enough to leave it all in the hands that were wounded for us.
Tonight when Anna calls out, I suspect her father will snuggle beside her as she drifts to sleep.
Not because she earned it, not because she put up a fight, not because her father has to or because she earned it. Her father will go to her because he loves her. That’s just what good fathers do. If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him! (Matthew 7:11)
Anna asks relentlessly because she knows she cannot sleep alone. Let us begin to do the same.