About

 

Welcome to A Kernel for Christ.

“Let all that I am praise the LORD; may I never forget the good things he has done for me.” (Psalm 103:2; NLT)

 

|       The Early Years – Saudi Arabia       |

 

My story starts in the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia. Although my parents come from the southern state of Tamil Nadu in India, they migrated to Saudi in search of a better life. It was there that I was born and lived the first fifteen years of my life. My mother comes from a Hindu background but accepted Jesus as her personal savior when she was twenty-six. My father comes from a family that has been Christian for several generations. Together, they serve the Lord and lead by example. Despite the general preconceived notions that one might tend to have about Saudi, I had a fairly normal and uneventful childhood. Most of my memories of this chapter of my life revolve around being carefree in the fellowship of like-minded Christian families.

School was a different story altogether. I studied in one that taught eight thousand students – separated by gender. I wasn’t a good student by any standard and struggled with feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem. This, combined with the fact that I was a foot taller than any other girl in my batch comprising of three hundred students, caused me to become terribly self-conscious. I saw school as something that had to be endured. I’m pretty certain my infamous reputation for Math preceded me. At the beginning of each academic year, when the new Math teacher made eye contact with me, I could almost see a shadow cross her face. All that I enjoyed in school was English. I imagine the teachers who taught me English would have been so confused when they met my Math teachers in the staff room.

Looking back, I see how God’s hand was upon me then. Consistently, throughout my years in Saudi, my class was always allotted the best teachers for English – and that’s saying something since there were over four hundred teachers to choose from. I loved the subject, wrote essays for fun, spent the hours in class reading storybooks under my desk, and generally reveled in the fact that it came so effortlessly to me. Despite this, I continued to nurse an inferiority complex that seemed would never go away. Even when I felt I’d accomplished something, I didn’t think I deserved to be celebrated. In all my years in Saudi Arabia, I only made one friend in school.

 

|       Accepting Christ – Coimbatore, India       |

 

In 2007, my parents chose to continue the education of my brother and me in India. This meant my mother would live with us in India and my father would stay back in Saudi – providing for the family. My parents did not take that decision lightly and it was very difficult for them to be apart. Reflecting on that time, I realize that was a crucial and formative period of my life and am grateful for the enormous sacrifice they made. Coming from an all-girls school to one that was coeducational was a big change and I was not prepared for it in the slightest. The dynamics between boys and girls – friendly and otherwise – threw me off balance completely and I was very grateful that my mother was there for me during that season of my life.

My mother played a role in my life like no other simply because she was and is a woman of prayer. On certain occasions, I’ve been stopped in my tracks by a strong tug in my heart and an unsettling feeling in my gut when I was about to do something that would not please God. The feeling would be so strong that I would feel physically sick. The tears shed for me by my mother has saved me more times than I can count.

I spent the next five years in Coimbatore, India with my mother and brother. I graduated from school and enrolled in college to get my bachelor’s degree in English Literature. I began to find more of myself during this period. Suddenly I had the joy of only learning what came easiest to me and I milked it for all it was worth. I quickly made a few friends and began to gain confidence. I did not spare a thought for God throughout this period. I was too busy living the “good life”. My teachers adored me, I came to realize that I had better command over the English language than my peers, I had friends who laughed for everything I had to say, I got rid of my braces and felt like I finally grew into my looks. It was a dangerous combination. I grew proud and arrogant – defying my mother on numerous occasions. With the typical “wisdom” that suddenly falls upon you during the teenage years, I was firmly convinced my parents knew very little compared to what I knew. I spent my time at home watching re-runs of ‘Friends’ and being cooped up in my room. I did what I wanted and rebelled when my mother tried to reason with me or stood in my way.

As mentioned, I’ve had the privilege of being born to parents who love the Lord and demonstrate their faith through their works on a daily basis. However, like every person born on this Earth, I had to make the decision to follow Christ personally. All through my teenage years, I took my faith for granted and gallivanted about without realizing how desperately I needed God.

A personal crisis in 2011 set that straight.

Caught between a rock and a hard place, in utter desperation and paralyzed with fear, I turned to the Lord. I remember weeping over verses I’d known and memorized as a child. The verses which were once committed to memory in order to pacify my mother now came to life within me and provided me with the strength and assurance I urgently needed. That was the beginning of my journey with the Lord. When I reflect upon the incidents that came together and were instrumental in me turning to God, I realize how simple they were. God, in His infinite grace and kindness, used simple things that seemed big to me at the time and used it to turn my life around. In His wisdom, He also brought Paulsam, who is now my husband, into my life at this time.

 

|       Learning Christ’s Sufficiency – Bangalore, India       |

 

After completing my bachelor’s degree, I left home for the first time to earn my Master of Arts in English Literature. I found myself in Bangalore – a cosmopolitan city located in the Southern part of India. The Lord taught me a lot in the two years I spent pursuing my education there. It was a humbling experience to realize just how much more accomplished my current peers were and that I was a small fish in the big ocean. Needless to say, I made enormous strides in the area of humility. I joined a local church and discovered the joy of seeking God for myself.

Just when things seemed to be going according to plan, I had my first panic attack.

Suddenly I was terrorized by everything. I would spend hours shivering and rocking back and forth on my bed. I would just be walking down the street running an errand when this fear would envelop me. Often I could not speak when I was in the throes of deep suffering. The fear was completely irrational since I had topped my class in the first semester, made a couple of friends, and joined the worship team in church. Everything in my life seemed wonderful, even to me, but this inexplicable fear and heaviness would often drape itself over me – leaving me weak and drained in its wake.

Within one month, I’d lost five kilos and a lot of hair. Back then, I didn’t know what I was going through was a panic attack. I thought I was the only person in the world to experience it.

I called my parents in desperation and asked my mother to come back to India to stay with me. My mother politely but firmly refused. She advised me to constantly ask God for help in order to receive lasting deliverance. At the time, it seemed cruel to me. In due course, I realized the wisdom behind her words. Had my mother left my father behind and spent another two years with me in India, I might have been comforted. However, that would have taken away my opportunity to grow in faith.

I remember going to church that Sunday with a heavy heart. I told the Lord that I could not endure it anymore. I did not know when I would be attacked by an abrupt surge of intense fear while I had no rational reason to fear anything. After the worship, the pastor stood up to preach. On that day, he spoke on the topic of fear. He drew from his personal experiences and spoke of how there is no place for fear in the life of a child of God. He challenged us to fight against the forces of darkness that cause fear and encouraged us with verses that promise God is always on our side. I was reminded that my struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this world’s darkness, and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms (Ephesians 6:12). I held on to verses that promised victory over fear and repeated them relentlessly. Every time I was attacked, I fought back with the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God (Ephesians 6:17).

Within two weeks, I was completely delivered.

I was exposed to things while doing my master’s that I was completely unprepared for. In fact, I remember the professor’s speech on the very first day. He said what we learned in our two years there wasn’t as important as the things we had to unlearn. I wasn’t sure what he meant then but quickly came to realize the truth behind his words. Of all the things I was taught, what most affected me was the topic of “modern” feminism. It gave me a warped sense of entitlement that I quickly began to consider as truth. Coming from a family that was grounded on the Gospel, with gender roles assumed on the basis of the Word of God, this onslaught of new information and subtle misdirection changed my outlook on every facet of my life. My relationship with Paulsam, who comes from a similar background, took the brunt of it. By then we had spent two years in a long-distance relationship and were almost constantly fighting. As much as we tried, there were days when we could not say one civil thing to each other. To this day I have no explanation as to how our relationship survived that storm except that it was truly God who brought us together. He had a plan that required the two of us to become one and He saw to it. Eventually, by the grace of God, I’ve since realized how misleading that kind of teaching on feminism is. It threatens the very core of the family. I hope to deal with it extensively on my blog.

 

|       Family Life and Present Day – Austria       |

 

Shortly after I completed my master’s degree, Paulsam and I got married. I remember being very apprehensive in the days leading up to our wedding. If our three years of being in a long-distance relationship had taught me anything, it was that we were generally very unkind to each other. Although we decided time and again to treat each other better, we failed miserably every single time. We would strive really hard with all our might for a day or two before all the pent up words and suppressed rage would burst forth in a torrent of words that packed a powerful punch. The reason we both proceeded to get married anyway was that we both knew strongly that God had brought us together for a purpose. We were praying and trusting God for a miracle in our relationship.

We were married only a couple of days when I noticed a change in Paulsam. When something came up that would normally aggravate him, he simply did not respond in the way I had gotten accustomed to. I wrote it off – crediting it to our newly married status. However, as the days went by, and we were yet to have a fight, I became more and more skeptical. I was also growing increasingly unsettled anticipating an outburst of anger over the last straw that broke the camel’s back. I started to provoke him in little ways to speed up the inevitable. I began to do things that I knew would irritate and even hurt him.

He responded in kindness.

That threw me for a loop the first couple of times it happened. I could not possibly believe that it was the same man I’d been in a relationship with for the past three years. But as the days went by, I had no choice but to believe that God had touched and changed Paulsam’s heart. Neither our circumstances nor our difference in opinion had changed. Everything that we were fighting about before we were married was still a part of our lives. It was Paulsam’s response to it that had changed. Needless to say, I was curious about how this came to be. What was more, I wanted it too!

In the days that followed, Paulsam shared with me his victorious journey over anger. We spoke about it for great lengths of time with feverish excitement. It was remarkable to us what God could do in the life of a man willing to give up his fight to be right and decide to let God intervene. It required Paulsam to stay quiet and desperately ask God for immediate grace when all he wanted to do was to fight back.  As John 12:24 states, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. As you can imagine, it was a painful process. Oh, but what glorious results it has yielded! The Lord transformed our relationship. Love, peace, and joy abound where there was once bitterness and strife. It has ensured that the two children that God has blessed us with grow in a home where their parents love and respect each other.

This experience is what planted the seed of starting a blog in my heart. We strive to apply what we learned from that season to all the areas of our life. Needless to say, it’s an ongoing process and one that will be perfected only at the coming of our Lord. However, the Gospel became very real to me when I experienced victory over sin in several areas of my life.

I wish I could say that I’ve been consistent in the nine years since I’ve come to know Christ but that hasn’t been the case. The one thing I can say with the utmost confidence is that the Lord has remained faithful through everything – patiently guiding me and teaching me valuable lessons along the way.

I want others to experience the freedom that we’re experiencing and the joy that comes from giving up our will and doing the will of the Father. So join me and let us travel together on this wonderful journey to becoming more like Christ.

In simple faith,

Evangeline