My husband and I welcomed our third child into this world a month ago. My mother came to help with everything and stayed here for two months. Things just miraculously started to “happen” around our home. The sink stayed clean, the trash bags were emptied, my water bottles suspiciously refilled themselves when I wasn’t looking and hot meals appeared out of thin air. Of course, it was my mother’s quiet, relentless service behind all of these delights. Only when she left do I realise just how much she devoted to doing things for me.
It isn’t easy to be a mother. No woman is born one. It takes discipline and self denial to develop a kind of heart and attitude that the Lord desires in a mother. Before my firstborn made an appearance, I used to pray and ask the Lord to give me the right heart to love my children. Now I ask the Lord to give me a heart that loves my children RIGHT. All three of my children need to be loved differently, in unique ways. One needs to have everything explained to them in order to understand why something is being demanded of them, the other looks for lots of cuddles and acknowledgement for tasks done well, and the newest one’s love language is milk.
It takes consistent effort and a certain amount of patience to keep explaining to one and encouraging the other. It is very tempting to quickly put an end to a conversation with the dreaded line – “because I say so”. It takes a lot of prayer for grace and daily self-denial to grow in patience – especially when it comes to little people who can easily be dismissed. But I don’t think that’s the kind of mother the Lord wants us to be.
Most of us are not taught how to be a mother. You learn during the sleepless nights, the confusing cries, while constantly changing diapers, through the hundredth ‘why’, snot noses and skinned knees. However, the Holy Spirit is the best teacher. He ministers to your spirit in the midst of a breakdown, when you are about to snap or even after a thoughtless blunder. He always convicts and never condemns. He lets you know that you need Him to love your children right and that this herculean task that you face – raising your children to love Him – can only be carried out effectively through Him.
When your life is a constant prayer asking God to change you into His image even as you live out the everyday, it quickly becomes apparent to everyone around you. Circumstances do not change your love and joy and the devil cannot use you as a pawn under any situation. Nations will come to your light, And kings to the brightness of your rising. (Isaiah 60:3)
Becoming like Christ takes effort. So much effort. And it is a towering standard that He sets for us. But efforts taken each day swiftly brings us closer to becoming like Him. It’s hard to imagine that the day-to-day is the most important in spiritual growth but that’s exactly how it is. I used to get wildly frustrated when my children would cry incessantly when they were struggling with something. Mercifully, God led me to this quote – “Your child is not giving you a hard time, they are having a hard time.” It’s one of those quotes that just stuck with me and God brings it up ever so often so that it becomes a non-negotiable truth that’s wired into my brain. When my perspective changed, my compassion grew. Now I don’t look at it as some kind of personal failure or look at my child in suspicion wondering if they are just provoking me. Instead, I try to imagine (and consequently, provide) what they are expecting from me in that moment.
I’m learning how boring motherhood can be. Everything my child knows or is learning, I already know. By the third well-known fact, I am asking God for the grace to act interested.
I’m learning how much dramatics is involved in motherhood – if I don’t act sufficiently excited or impressed by a new fact learned or new art produced, it shuts the door to further communication. It takes effort to not let my eyes glaze over when my oldest is talking about his Legos or when my daughter asks me to taste her imaginary soup for the tenth time.
I’m learning how wildly exciting motherhood can be – a new skill acquired and seeing them becoming independent is a heady feeling. When I see my children help one another and teach each other, I am exhilarated. The way Anna cares for her baby brother is a sight to behold and my heart is filled to overflowing.
I am learning how humbling motherhood can be. When I see some form of goodness in my children, some kindness, some forgiveness, some opening of their heart to the Master’s voice, I am humbled. I am well aware that neither my husband nor I can produce that in them. The Father has His hand upon their hearts. What could possibly be greater than that?
I believe that the most important aspect that defines a mother is this – “in humility, value others above yourselves” (Philippians 2:3). Easier said than done. The most profound example I have of this happened during the funeral of my father-in-law. It was an unexpected death – given that he had preached the previous day and that he was fine on the morning of his passing. We were then expecting our first child and I was just a few weeks into my pregnancy. We flew in from Austria (where we then lived) to attend the funeral and fell straight into my mum-in-law’s arms when we got there. The sadness was so heavy in the air around us. As I took my seat in church – right behind my mum-in-law, she turned to me, looked me in the eye, and asked,”Would you like something warm to drink?” I tell you, it was one of the few times in my life when words failed me. I stared back at her – a bit uncomprehending. I then slowly managed to shake my head to say no.
It is a lifelong learning – how to develop the heart of a mother that Christ expects. It always puts others’ interests ahead of our own. I cannot tell you how many times this incident with my mum-in-law has played over and over in my head. It has shaped the way I deal with my own children
It isn’t just applicable with to showing love and honouring the needs of your children. It is also applicable in matters of discipline. Discipline is inconvenient. It is so much easier to shout empty threats and leave it at that. To follow through is inconvenient. Nobody wants to spend a significant amount of time each day following through with what they said to their wilful child. This too is putting their needs ahead of your own. This discipline will shape and change the course of their lives. Promising your child that they will not be allowed to watch television for a week if they don’t obey might feel more like threatening yourself than them. However, following through is imperative. Do you suffer along with them that whole week? Sure. Did it take away any “me time” you could have had without interruptions? Yes. But did they learn that discipline is something they ought to adhere to and that disobedience has consequences? Also yes.
Motherhood is uncomfortable. Our will, our way, our ego, our plans, schedules and itineraries all take a hit. Our habits and attitudes are forced to change. You are now held accountable by very little people who have a front row seat to how you lead your life. John Wesley, the English theologian and evangelist said “I learned more about Christianity from my mother than from all the theologians in England.
You are given the enormous responsibility of modelling a Christ-centred life to your kids. And make no mistake – kids call you out on your mistakes! It takes humility to accept that and it takes humility to change. I’m learning every day to apologise for my imperfections and am amazed at their uncomplicated insight and perspective on certain things.
Mothers, your impact is far reaching. Without exaggeration, I can say for sure that it makes an eternal difference. In the words of Charles Spurgeon, ”Never could it be possible for any man to estimate what he owes to a godly mother”. To slightly alter Amy Rees Anderson’s quote – “Here’s to godly mothers, may we know them, may we be them, may we raise them.”
1 comment
Hi Eva,you have so beautifully written your thought process while handling each situation. The way you describe your mother’s selfless care is awesome 👌. She is amazing indeed, our Sarah acca! Our self denial and becoming more like Christ should be always be our pursuit. Oh,how I wish we would set the Lord always before us!
Thank you for this motivational piece of writing Eva 🥰May our Lord continue to bless and use you!