Then he went off to a barren height. God met with him.. (Numbers 23:3-4 NIV)
When Anna, my then two-year-old, broke out in hives one cold October afternoon, I didn’t give it much thought. She had been fighting eczema for a while by then and I brushed it off as something that would quickly pass. I had no idea of the horror we would go through for over two years from that very day.
As she scratched, bled and shed skin all over our home for the next two years, I was faced with my own personal mountain. The nights were the loneliest. My husband, bless him, would stay up on many, many nights – either giving me company or asking me to retire for the rest of the night. Profoundly practical, he didn’t seem to see the sense in both of us struggling to tend to her. Even on those days, I would weep and whimper in pain – grieving the loss of a normal childhood for my daughter. As I wrestled with her to keep her from itching and creating new raw wounds, I wondered what good could ever come out of this.
“Yes Lord, I know You are all knowing and almighty. But why would you use the health of my child to get to break me?”
“I cannot pray anymore, Lord. I cannot ask You one more time. You know what I want but it seems You are not inclined to respond to this prayer.”
“If this is how Anna will be for the rest of her life – if You choose not to heal her – then please tell me now so I can squash the hope that is heavier to carry than this sickness is.”
I wish I could tell you that I was stronger than this. I wish I could tell you that my faith was so strong that I rejoiced through the pain. Instead, I was broken. I either wept and whimpered or kicked and screamed. I oscillated wildly between despair and anger.
How vividly I remember an incident that happened in India at my husband’s home! We woke up one morning to find ants crawling on the bed and all over the floor – collecting pieces of skin that Anna had scratched off her body during the night! God must have found me on my face that day – clawing through gravel – hanging on for dear life on that metaphorical mountain of brokenness.
When well-meaning, kind hearted people let me know that they were praying for her, it gave me little comfort. I felt as though I was on this path all on my own – nobody could alleviate my suffering to any imperceptible degree or share even the slightest bit of my burden. This was my own personal mountain – I had to do it all on my own. As the Word says, each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one else can share its joy. (Proverbs 14:10)
Moses had to climb up Mount Horeb to meet with God. It was there that his personal “wilderness” came to an end. The disciples had to climb up the mountain to see Jesus transfigured. Elijah had to climb upto Mount Carmel to see the miracle that God was performing right before his eyes. He had to climb up Mount Horeb just forty days later – and the Lord appears to him there.
I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. (Psalm 34:4) How true these words must have rang to Abraham! He climbs up Mount Moriah – for no other reason but to obey. Clueless about their mission, Isaac asks his father where the lamb for the burnt offering is. To this Abraham replies, “God himself will provide the lamb for the burnt offering, my son”. What other hope do we have but the hope that Abraham had? I walk up this lonely road – only holding on to the hope that the Lord will meet me there. I am reminded of this quote that I came across by Paul Washer that puts it so well :
“And yes, sometimes, it’s like a ceiling of bronze over your head. How do you pray? I’ll tell you what was told to me many years ago : “You pray until you can pray and then you pray until you have prayed”. You break through. You give Him no rest.”
Hebrews 11:17-19 gives us a better understanding to Abraham’s state of mind then. It says “by faith Abraham, when God tested him, offered Isaac as a sacrifice… Abraham reasoned that God could even raise the dead.”
It is not merely enough for us to know that “everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.“(Matthew 7:8) – we must also believe in it. God WILL meet us at our time of need. He does not turn a blind eye to those who seek Him. After all, He promised, I will make rivers flow on barren heights, and springs within the valleys. I will turn the desert into pools of water, and the parched ground into springs. (Isaiah 41:18)
Beloved, as you go through this great barren path – often punctuated with briers and thistles, may this be your comfort – that Christ walks with you. He will never give you more than you can bear and your mountain will never be a step higher than you can climb. He is with you, He is for you, He is in you. When fear clouds your vision and when doubts threaten to steal your hope, hold on tight to what He has promised. This breaking of you is the making of you. Remember this, had any other condition been better for you than the one in which you are, divine love would have put you there (Charles H. Spurgeon).
Whether we feel it at the moment or not, a promise from God is unwavering and unchanging. It is as though it has already come to pass – we are only behind in time to see it. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. (1 Corinthians 13:12)
Let me share this beautiful poem written by Amy Carmichael that captures the essence of victorious trials so succinctly:
Before the winds that blow do cease,
Teach me to dwell within Thy calm;
Before the pain has passed in peace,
Give me, my God, to sing a psalm.
Let me not lose the chance to prove
The fullness of enabling love.
O Love of God, do this for me:
Maintain a constant victory.
Before I leave the desert land
For meadows of immortal flowers,
Lead me where streams at Thy command
Flow by the borders of the hours,
That when the thirsty come, I may
Show them the fountains in the way.
O Love of God, do this for me:
Maintain a constant victory.
Dear Lord, I’m being broken. And though I know that this is your will for me, it doesn’t make the pain any more bearable. Forgive me for falling so far short of your standards. Many a time, I strive to do different things in an effort to please you. But it also means that I fail spectacularly many times. And every time I fail, it registers just a bit more that I can do nothing on my own. If I continue then to rely on my own strength, I just spiral into feelings of despair and loathing.
Help me discern just what it is that you require of me and what I assume you require of me. Enable me to only spend myself for those things that you require – changes in my life that draw me to you and bring glory to your name. Help me not to fall into a pit of condemnation when I am not able to do things perfectly. May it please You to give me the grace to stand up – even crawl forward – every time I fall. It is worth climbing any mountain for you, my Blessed Redeemer. I know you are waiting at the top. And though I don’t see You or even sense You on the way to the top, I know it is You who gets me there.
My strength is often feeble and my drive is shaky. More often than not, my memory itself fails me – I forget why it was that I even started this journey or how I found myself in this state. But through it all, despite my constant weakness and periodic failures, thank You for seeing me through eyes of grace and moulding me along the way. When I victoriously reach the pinnacle of this mountain, help me to look with mercy and extend grace to those who have just begun to scale their heights. Let me encourage them without judgement and be constantly reminded of my own shortcomings along the way. You are the God I find on the barren heights. I am willing to meet You there. In the name of Jesus, I pray, Amen.
2 comments
That was worth reading. Just lifted me up to walk the mountains to see the Lord holding my victory..Thankyou for sharing your experience akka, while I wall through this situation a much needed one .
Happy to hear your voice after a very long time akka but it was quite different, it was loaded with pain.. I have a toddler and facing many issues. Sometimes I don’t even have the strength to pray. Thank you for writing this, much needed one for me right now. May God bless you and your family abundantly akka ❤️
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